I Survived My 20's and 30's Hello 40's

Coming off a two-week-long vacation for my birthday, it's time to get back to business. I needed time to relax, enjoy myself with my family, and reflection of my life and my long journey back to myself. I'm saying goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's. Although it's hard to believe the time has flown by fast. Here are realizations of turning 40, where I've been and the journey that brought me this far.

Saying Goodbye to my 30's

To tell the truth, my 30's were more about learning who I am and where I wanted to be in my life. Wanting to be better a wife, parent, woman. Put my focus spiritually and as a business owner. I needed to find peace, spiritual understanding, passion, purpose, and personal miles stones.

I didn't want to leave my 30's like I entered my 20's, lost. Let's say this journey's road was unexpected, it really just showed up and showed out. I had to deal with my BS yikes!!!!🤭. The fears and pain that I didn't let go of came back at me like the ghost of Christmas past, I started to ask myself what is my purpose. I thought this was dealt with already, but to be honest, I didn't deal with it. I just pushed it down deep inside, and to find what I was looking for, I needed to go through the murky water, and I knew that.

Journey 30 was about being the student of life and taking everything as a lesson to move on. Now that Journey 40 is here, I'm ready to be the teacher and the student.

Good-bye, 30's, thank you for your lessons. I've learned a lot.

Spiritual Journey.

I believed I was a full-grown adult going into my 30's. I have a family, a full-time job, bills, and home upkeep. Boy, I was not ready for the eye awakening journey. You are not grown until you face parts of your hidden self. Going back to where I lost my way. Things that needed healing and forgiveness, learning to move on from past decisions that were not in my favor. Working on traumas and issues put me in the place of being a fully grown adult. My spiritual journey is an ongoing and laborious process. If it wasn't for this journey, I wouldn't be the woman I am today with many learned lessons and spiritual awareness.

About 10 years ago, I began realizing changes I needed to make were for the betterment of my family and I. No longer, didn't I want to be angry about the bad decisions made. I didn't want my past to define my future and push my heartache and pain on my loved ones. Dwelling on my past failures seem to follow me and kept me from believing that I was magical. I allowed life and people to tell me who I was, and it was time to rediscover me. I decided to go on a spiritual search to find what I believe and who I am.

I always felt a close connection to the Most High, and always felt the energy of my ancestors that were before me. I was begging The Most High and my ancestors for guidance. What am I here for? I can't just simply exist. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I needed to do something now. I was holding myself back from being happy because I had been through too much.

Let's start with one major event that sparked a journey. I had no idea it would shape me and my life from that day on.

In 2004 I was shot in a robbery. I remember hearing the gunshots and the bullets hitting my car, This was the first time in my life I felt like today is the day I will die. As I turn to see where the shots are coming from, I see the bible that I was given on my 18th birthday lying in the back of my car, bright light around me and the shooter shooting at my car. As the vehicle is speeding off, I notice I was bleeding, leg going numb, and heart-pounding out of my chest.

I shouted, "I'm shot!" "I'm shot!". "Take me to the hospital!" Screaming, "You should have listened to me"!! "I told you!"

Moments before it happened, I felt something terrible was coming my way. I knew it was the feeling inside my stomach was that of danger. I said that a few times before it happen, but he didn't listen. Why didn't I listen to my gut? That was the first time I had that feeling ever, and It wouldn't be the last.

I got to the ER with a hole in my hip the size of a silver dollar. Never had I ever been put in danger in my life, my parents shielded me from the craziness of this world. I was scared and ashamed. What would my parents think of me? My family? My friends? I was with someone I shouldn't have been, people told me. I felt trouble coming, I said something, he didn't listen, and now I'm here with a hole in my hip, and he is standing around looking dumb as hell. I almost died. Those were the thoughts going through my head.

In the moment of drama spiraling around me, I knew my life was saved, and I was blessed that day. Nine bullets hit my car, and one of the nine was in my body. I was emotionally a mess, hurt, scared, and in pain. This was not the only time life hit me with a punch from avoiding my gut feeling and common sense, but that is another blog.

2 weeks later, It was time to get my things left from my car. The car was damaged beyond repair. My father took me to the pound and walked with me to the vehicle. I looked at all the holes in the back of my trunk; my eyes were filled with tears. I saw the hole that actually made it through the car and the blood. I fainted, my father held me up, crying nine bullets hit that car! Most of the shots hit the trunk and bumper and didn't go further, but the one that hit me could have hit my chest because I was almost on my knees and turned around, it caught my hip.

I carry that bullet in my hip now, they never took it out. The doctors told me I was lucky, and it was a clean wound, so they left it. I guess that is my souvenir to remind me of what I went through and how far I've come since being a silly young child who wanted to be grown and didn't listen to the people around me.

That day taught me something. God is real. My family/ Ancestors watch over me, and my intuition was engaged. The search for God weighed heavy on me; that act of violence changed me forever. I had PTSD, life didn't look the same after that day, I struggled with going out in large crowds, I was scared that it would happen again, the nightmares and I lost that spark in myself. The things people said to me and about me really made me upset. I resented these people and wish bad on them; they didn't know what I went through, I was pissed. Took me years to truly find the goddess in myself and forgive them.

Fast forward to now,

"It seems so easy as a child," I said to myself one day as I spoke those words. I heard that voice inside say, That's where I am, go back to your childhood. I remember that voice, that's the same voice I heard when trouble was coming my way. That was the same voice that told me I would marry my husband when we were dating. There was God inside me the whole time (my AH-HA moment). I searched for something I had in me the entire time. It was deep within my inner, being something I locked away long ago.

I opened my heart and my mind and let the Most High/ God speak to me. Boy was I in for a treat. It was like opening something that was locked for so long, and the pressure blew the lock off and flooded me... I asked the questions, God answered me. I was looking for the light that used to shine so brightly within me before I let others dim it.

I did my research, read the books, listen to different beliefs, Just to end up at the foot of my ancestors asking God to allow them to speak to me and guide me in the right direction for his purpose. Baby, when I say, I began to get downloads from God, Ancestors, and Angels. Questions I had answers were falling into my lap.

I was so confused because my family background was of Christian faith, but I was being told my faith didn't lie in religion or man. I came to understand God was more than any man can gather. I am a child of God, and just like my parents' blood ran through my veins, God was also in me, which made me a goddess. I felt I needed to be myself in my faith. Boy, did my life change from that point on. I've learned so much about African spirituality and my own feelings about who God is for me, studying the moon, astrology, and herbalism. These were things I enjoyed. It brought a sense of peace like I was finally home in myself. This connected with me in such a way I felt jaded for following a religion most of my life. It put me in a box and made me think I was terrible. My beliefs changed but how I felt about certain things did too, I no longer wanted to be involved with negativity and certain things that made me feel low, I learned to keep my mouth shut and open my eyes and ears.

Passion and Purpose

My spiritual journey set the stage for finding my passion and my purpose.

Going down that long road, I needed to find what my gifts were. Feeling most of my life, I didn't have talents like my mother quick on her feet, smart, a true leader, and can command any room she walked in. I wasn't like my father full of knowledge, a brilliant mind, and able to have conversations with the best of the best, not to mention the baddest artist in Toledo, OH. I wasn't like my brother, a quick thinker, analytical, funny, and brilliant, and a dope artist.

I felt that was slow to react, smart, but a procrastinator and always seemed lost, not knowing quite where I needed to go, not a good decision maker or listener, and I had no talent. So I thought. I was simply here.

As I grow older, all those negative things I felt started to fall away. I once heard that Lions, as cubs described how felt growing up, before knowing myself. Once the cub got older they find their voice and confidence. They would become a force to be reckoned with fearless, risk-takers, critical thinkers, leaders, and sure of themselves.

I finally come unto my own. Finding that my passions are to research, write, learn, teach, help others, and just be happy. I love to learn and tell people what I learned. My purpose on this earth is yet to be known, but I guess it will present itself. At the age of 40, my family means the most to me, and the friends that are family to me are a close second. Happiness is my purpose and passion.

I Got This

Happiness..... Meditation....... Time with my loved ones... Honoring the ones that aren't in the physical realm... Giving God Praise and respecting God's creations. Not allowing people to energy press upon me... Being free to do what I like. Live with fewer fears. Abundance in every area of my life...Help as many people as I can.. and leave a LEGACY....

Everything I wrote above is all about milestones in my life. I encourage everyone to start a journey, learn something new, open your mind, do something you never did before. Grab a journal and write about the things you want, how you see your life. What you look forward to every day. Life is beautiful, even in its ugly moments. Don't allow the evils of this world to put you so low you can't see the sun. Shut off social media, turn off the news, and get away in nature. A park or your backyard. Setting personal goals help you focus on the most important things. I see so much pain in this world, it hurts just to be human at times. Centering your self, blocking out the negative helps you stay focus on your journey.

I am looking forward to what my 40's will bring, the good and the not so good. I'm praying for understanding and patience, something I've always struggled with most of my life. The last 20 years brought the unexpected, but learning to roll with the punches helps soften the blows. These roads seemed to lead to the place I should have been all alone.

My advice is to follow your heart, listen to your enter god/ goddess, and never allow your past to pull you down. Deal with your sh*t, it will set you free. Never be afraid to seek help if you just can't see past your feelings, not everyone's journey can be like mine you may need a helping hand, I didn't do it by myself, I had help. Remember you are magical, don't let anyone tell you differently.